I’d like to be assertive enough to send a woman a photograph
of my penis and wait patiently with a cup of tea for her
response. And if no response arrives, think to myself, ah,
yes, she must be masturbating.
I used to watch porn, now I watch
Michael Sheen. I masturbate when he accepts his
Golden Globe. “Golden!Globe!” if I climax.
I do not have a penis. And:
“I didn’t have sex for a long time. I was afraid I’d be bad at it.”
“Ah, yes, a . . . mentality.”
Michael Sheen was in the Twilight movies. He worked alongside
Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning(!!).
I don’t want to have sex with Michael Sheen.
Don’t make me have sex with Michael Sheen.
I saw Michael Sheen on Broadway in Frost/Nixon and
on DVD in Frost/Nixon:
I’M MASTURBATING. DON’T TELL FROST OR NIXON.
I’ve been resisting the urge all poem to refer to my breasts and
the breasts of others as—
Dakota Fanning(!!). Had sexual relations with Michael Sheen?
Kristen Stewart(??). Had sexual relations with Michael Sheen?
Michael Sheen’s wife ($*@#*(@(*@!!). Has sexual relations with Michael Sheen?
“I rarely write about sex because—”
“I have a regular sex partner, so—”
His name is Michael Sheen and everyone else also has had sex with him.
He has Golden Globes and they’re almost as big as—
Nothing has genitals, including Dakota Fanning(!!).
Sunshine, flowers, everything is A-Okay and
ah, yes, I’m masturbating.
Michael Sheen never air-dries his hair, and he wakes up early
every morning to watch his wife wield their shared hair dryer.
Then they have sexual relations. And Dakota Fanning(!!),
on the set of Twilight, says, Michael Sheen, you smell bad.
Then she goes back to her trailer and Michael Sheen says, ah, yes,
she must be masturbating.
I do not have a penis. I did not have a penis
for a long time. I was afraid I’d be bad at it.
Ah, yes. A mentality.
⊡ ⊡ ⊡
Maribeth Theroux is a poet and performer. She has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize and appeared Off-Broadway as Kelly Kapowski in Bayside! The Musical. Depending on when you read this, Maribeth either lives in New Jersey or Los Angeles. She tweets at @maribeththeroux.